Strange Curses

i will be in mandai jungle in...say, about another 20 hours.

hmm...been thinking about lots and lots of things these few days after things are less hectic for me.

in these 2 weeks of my hectic schedule, after my gahment work during the weekdays, i still went to work as promoter during the weekends.... it seems endless.

however, i juz can't get her out of my mind... whenever i stop to take a break, i will miss her, think of her, and daydream about her....

it just doesn't seem right, for me to think of her when she has a boyfriend. sometimes my conscience feel abit guilty... but the more i wanna forget this crush, the more i hang on to it, unwillingly, unwittingly, unobligingly...

things have been slightly different for me after i fell for her....
1) when the mrt stops at kovan station, i will be super alert...looking out for any signs of her
2) before i sleep every night, i wish for her to be well and happy
3) when my phone rings, she is the one i will be hoping for
4) everynight when i can, i will log in on msn...hoping that she is there...to chat with me

but now, she seems to be avoiding me a little. i may be over sensitive...but it could be true. she use to be online (msn) every nite or at least once every 2 nights. however, she i have not seen her online for like about 2-3 weeks...i think she has blocked me on msn. if you find that i am bothering you and your life, please just drop me a msg... and i will stay far away from you.

you told me before...we are friends forever... and you won't avoid me. but to me, i can't help but to think that you are avoiding me. its not the way to make me give up on you...but it is a sure way to spoil the friendship that we have.

i will now be going away for four days. i will try to update with some pics of my new experience. i have never been outfield before. i have only been semi-outfield during my pri 5 camp... thats like 10 yrs ago.. wish me all the best that i come back in one piece, dun get eaten by tigers, attack by bees, killed by wild boars...

maybe its good to see a wild boar...can eat roast pig..haha.

and to her, if you are reading this, please give me a slightest hint, clue, indication, sign of what you are feeling towards me as a friend now so that i know what i should do. also please tell me that you are having a happy life now.

someone, some god, some cupids, some angels, some ghosts, pls help me pass this msg to her for me if possible...hopefully when i come back from being tarzan, i will have some hints from "jane".

this is a delayed posting...

11 Jun 2005

today, is a lucky day...that's what we chinese believe.

today is also my jie jie's happiest day.

but all is not meant to be... we are missing a piece of jigsaw to form the prettiest puzzle of her life.

and that piece of jigsaw is her mum, my eldest aunt.

6 mths ago, she died of a rare stroke... a vessel in her brain burst, but the blood did not clog. it juz kept flowing and flowing flooding the whole brain. 2 hrs after the vessel burst, she went into a coma, nv to wake up again. she was pronounced brain dead after 2 days and to help her breathe, she was attached to the ventilator. i visit her once...juz before the doctors remove the ventilator and let her go....it was heart wrenching to see her suffering.

at that point in time, i wanted to cry, but i held back my tears. her husband and children were all by her bedside at all times. they keep saying "mummy...chi lai, mummy chi lai, ah guang (the name she called me) lai kan ni le. mummy, kuai dian chi lai"

it has been sometime since i saw her due to some family conflicts...but i din expect it to see her in this state at any point of time. i almost burst out of the ICU crying when i saw her in such a terrible state. i had to control myself. i held her hand, said to her "ah yi(aunt), kuai dian chi lai...wo shi ah guang, wo lai kan ni le." somehow, i hope to see her move even her eyelids...just a flicker would be enuff. she didn't...she just continue to sleep. i continue holding back my tears.

she left us peacefully the next day.

it's saddening, to see her depart when she hadn't live her life to the fullest. she had no indulgence in life, just plain and simple and hard. she has never even been on a plane before. and when i was just a young kid, she took good care of me, just like anyone's aunt would take care of them. i had nv had a chance to repay her..., and she just left us behind.

yes...that's the piece of missing puzzle.


a lady is the prettiest on her wedding day... i juz realized how true that is. i noe there are idiots who dun think she is chio....but beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.


that is my uncle being served tea, alone...the incomplete picture.


my parents...they are so happy to be able to drink this cup of tea... it had been a long wait.


my uncle, my kor (2nd cousin) and my 4th cousin. i am the 3rd in the family...


its the first time...after like 10yrs... that we took a chuan jia fu... together with my relatives


its also a long time since i take pictures with my family...another chuan jia fu.

at the wedding dinner




my family and my relatives...


my kor and me... i can't even remember when is the last time we actually took a pic together.


me and my 5th cousin..


2nd, 5th, 6th (my younger bro), 3rd (me), and 4th cousin...the 1st and 7th (my younger sis) are missing...


me and my jie (1st cousin)


the bride and groom...


showering flower petals are signs of good blessings...


bai tou xie lao, yong jie tong xing, zhao shen gui zi...so i have a nephew/niece to play with.


a change of clothes for the champagne tossing session...


golden champagne for hao yun lian lian, and also fertility...


happy family....

this entry means alot to me... especially the part about my aunt.... after her passing, i became a changed man... i express my feelings to my loved one more... i try to treasure every moment i have with my friends and family... and also..i learn to love myself more..

TODAY IS A FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING BAD DAY FOR ME.

firstly, i got 7 x extra duties.

secondly, my deadline for my donation card project was pushed forward...mission possible juz became mission impossible.

thirdly, there were 2 unaccounted for donation card which i am in charged of. it's considered lost if not recovered. and its $80/card. worst of all, its not my fault.

THANK YOU SAF FOR MAKING MY LIFE MORE INTERESTING. FUCK ALL IN SAF.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I AM GOING AWOL......

LEAVE THIS WHOLE SHIT BEHIND....

GET MY PAY AND GO TO AUSTRALIA....AND CAN PUNCH ALL THE KANGAROOS AND KOALAS THERE. FIGHT WITH CROCODILES AND STOMP ON ALL THE BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS.

is this the hardest time of my life?

had a new look for my blog. i got tired of my old one..and this looks fresher. give me some comments on it k?

anyway regarding the shi lian post, i am well and happy with my life. its just that i want to express what is kept in my heart to make myself feel better, lighter, and hope none of you will be in my shoes in future.

so if you like a girl, let her know at the right time. added points for letting her know at the right place with the right gifts. i am actually hinting someone here.

so to him, don't be like me, grab the chance... i know you are starting to make the move now. i help you "pump premium petrol" and mentally support you. dun disappoint me, i will be waiting for your good news.

Cupid played a joke on me....

Fate played a joke on me...

Guan Yin Ma played a joke on me...

Time played a joke on me...

they played a joke of "so near and yet so far" joke....and all of them must be laughing at how miserable i feel now.

Cupid shot an arrow on her... and the other arrow is supposed to be for me... but it ended on another guy's butt. why??

Fate and Guan Yin Ma wanted to help me in the first place... they ended up helping him and her become a couple. Why???

Time was supposed to be slowed down for me to understand her before i let her know how i feel, instead, it seems to be running so fast i don't even have time for myself. WHY????

me: you have something to ask me the other day rite?
her: yah, who is that girl you talked about on your blog? (see previous entry "romp at marriott")
me: erm...its you
me: i hope you won't avoid me.
her: it doesn't matter anymore
me: why? is it becoz you are attached?
her: yah
me: i sort of guessed it le
me: how long where you attached?
her: less than 1 month
me: ask you ah, if you are not attached, would i stand a chance? pls tell me honestly.
her: yes, its the truth, if you had told me earlier, things would have been different now.

yes.... i slammed my head against the wall, i use hammer to hit my own chest. actually no lah. i did not do all these... its juz so DUI!! i feel like i am being bastard(ed)! i feel like a predator becoming a prey. i feel like fate had juz eaten my heart. i feel miserable when i am alone.

yes...i had my doubts cleared.

yes...i won't go and die.

yes...life continues.

but i still feel miserable. i seek to find myself again in alcohol, cigarettes, and work. i drink so much i feel numb. i smoke more so i can see her face in the smoke, i work more so i won't think about her.

but it wasn't her fault for making feel like this. when she "rejects" me, she was gentle, slow, and non hurtful. that's what i like about her. but by doing this, i m still holding on...hopeful... hopeful that her bf will treat her well...nv cheat on her.

i said to her "when you are happy, i am happy". but i dun even know if she is happy now. i am avoiding her - somehow- coz i dun wanna be a third party. i dun even dare to call her. i dun wanna be lead on by myself. so work work work, smoke smoke smoke, and drink drink drink.

SOMEONE HELP PULL ME OUT OF THIS! =(

Yippee, last sat, on the 11 of June 2005, i officially announce my 1 yr anniversary with SAF.

and yeah, 1 yr ago, so many people assured me when i enlist with SAF, i am bound to learn something from them. so now, i shall list down what i have learnt in 1 yr.

i have learnt to love pink

i use to hate pink colour, esp those pale pink that those very high waist panties usually have on them. but now, i cant wait to see my PINK IC...ARRRGGGHH!

i have learnt to appreciate public toilets

u will love public toilets if you ever have to use these...



i have learnt to take cover

me: eh, how? chief clerk angry at ah siao leh, he nv do his work properly.
ah gao: siao liao lah, she today sure anyhow scold pple one loh...somemore she lai ang.
me: i think better siam, take half day leave.

i have learnt to use talented people

me: si liao lah, must get this document sign and send out by today, how?
forge ong: aiyah, lim pei help you sign lah.
me: you not OFFICSER leh..only officser can sign.
forge ong: you want anot? i sign also sui sui one k! exactkly lyk officser one hor
me: bo pian lah, come lah, make sure its exactly the same.
~1 min later~
me: wah...sui sui bo zhao zui leh, machime original one sia...
forge ong: you think wat, SAF trained one leh.

i have learnt communication skills

comm skills is impt in the SAF

words like
- "fucking cheebye, wanna do it anot" helps you get things done
- "gan ni nah beh, siam lah" means you want him to move away
- "go sign 7 extras" means your weekends are burnt
- "whole lot knock it down" means you will get fitter

i have learnt to have sense of humour

sgt: eh, recruit, very farnie is it? i want you to run to that tree and touch it and come back
rec: yes sgt ben ~runs to the tree, touch it and came back~
sgt: you taking your own sweet time hor? now run to the same tree and ask how old is it.
rec: yes sgt ~runs to the tree and comes back in the shortest time possible~
sgt: so how old is the tree?
rec: the tree says he will tell you personally.

"1 set army uniform - $35
1 month of allowance - %350
money spent on book out nite - $90
ORD Date - Priceless
there are some things money can't buy"

463 more days to ORD....